Bereavement
"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning, Hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds' encircled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there. I did not die."
No two people react in exactly the same way to the news of the death of a loved one, or to the diagnosis that their baby is going to be anything but perfect. Parents want their child to be healthy and the knowledge that a baby has a serious chromosome defect is devastating. When considering the grief process after bereavement, it is important to realise that it was at this early stage the grieving started, and if your period of grief seems shorter than is considered normal, this could be the reason.
The Stages Of Grief
There are six basic stages of grief, but in listing them there is a danger they will be used to estimate where you are in working through the list, and a risk of not giving true recognition to your own feelings. We don't always follow a set pattern, and not everyone needs expert counselling, but everyone will need to share the sorrow of losing a loved child with someone.
The First Stage
C.S. Lewis wrote, "A sort of invisible blanket between myself and the world", and the first stage is shock which brings a numbness or 'no feelings'. This allows us to function and shields us from the full impact of what has actually happened. A person may be heard to say over and over again, "It can't be true".
This lack of acceptance of reality may lead to guilt as recognition is realised.
"How could it have been avoided?" 'What have I done wrong?"
As these questions are asked there may be a conflict, anger and guilt focused against other persons, for example; doctors, loved ones, or resentment for those with healthy babies.
Such bitterness is quite normal but needs expressing with a loved one who may also have experienced this and been unable to share for fear of admitting to something abnormal within themselves, as it is unlikely two people will feel exactly the same emotions at the same time.
If Only
There may be a short period of fantasising when you keep thinking, "if only..." Then the loss begins to become very real and the bereaved parent releases the sadness and may spend a lot of time weeping. This is when one feels most lonely, and as a general rule we are unable to cope with the tears of others, but it is when the healing process really begins and is very important.
Choose one person you can trust to share this stage with you. Your partner may or may not be able to cope, and it seems it will never end, and you may feel resentful towards members of your family who can share a joke together. They may welcome the chance to tell you their true feelings, so do try to talk, and to your children, about how you are missing your baby.
You will soon be ready to pass on to the next stage which is considered the most difficult because it needs a certain amount of effort to achieve. It is 'letting go'.
Letting Go
We cannot cling forever to the child we loved and who has died. There is no benefit either to oneself or to the deceased. Beware of making promises it is impractical to keep like vowing to visit the grave everyday. Siblings will grow to resent this and it will achieve nothing. It may be necessary to make a gesture to say 'Goodbye', by getting rid of a treasured possession that belonged to the child.
Letting go may awaken guilt, but you cannot rebuild your life until you are free from the burden of grief. As you let go, memories become less painful and easier to cherish.
The Final Stage
The final stage is learning to live again. Grieving uses a lot of energy and you need to 'get fit'. Do some of the activities you used to enjoy but had to give up. Make new friends and spend time on hobbies and interests.
There is no right way to grieve and the shortest way through it is to feel it. There is no quick by-pass and this stage can be a time of personal growth as you question what life is about.
Faith in God is strengthened, and for the Christian there is a message of hope in the Gospel of Christ.
Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life; the one who believes in me will live, even though he dies."
Memories
Babies who die during pregnancy or shortly after birth leave parents with few memories. People may assume a short life means a shorter grief but this is not so. Every little reminder can be important, and many parents keep a scrap book or memory box containing everything associated with the baby. A diary of memories can become a cherished family album, and some parents like to plant a tree, paint a picture, write poetry or embroider a tapestry in memory of their baby.
'Each year we mark her birthday and by talking about her in our daily lives we are keeping her memory alive. She is too important to be forgotten. '
Counselling Services
Some hospitals and health authorities have access to bereavement counselling services for parents. For example; in Leicester the LAURA Centre offers help to parents with a wide experience of loss of a child, and in Gloucestershire Winston's Wish provides counselling and activities for bereaved children.
Personal Experiences of Bereavement
"There is a period of grief you go through and the need to mourn the 'normal' baby for which you have been planning and hoping for nine months. I had this grief at my daughter's birth and shed many tears. But I hadn't really recognised my feelings, and it wasn't until I attended a talk by a psychologist, and he put my feelings into words, that I was able to cry, and it was easier to come to terms with our unexpected child."
"I still find people's attitudes very hard, even my sister-in-law was surprised I was 'still' depressed. Everybody expects us to be back to normal but how can you when you feel like shouting out "Do you know that my baby died months ago and it still hurts so much it may as well be last week!" I don't suppose any of us will get over our pain, but I find myself thinking back to how I was this time last year and feeling more optimistic."
"I am 23 years old and never thought I would feel and know what I do. Dealing with the death of our child was always, to me, something that happened when you were 80."
"Freddie died shortly after birth, and we had no other children to cushion the blow. To lose a first child is, it seems, the end."
"After Michael died I worried that I had not loved him enough and blamed myself for rejecting him when he was first born and I was told he had T. 13. Now I know parents can feel this way, but I wish my family would talk about him. They seem to have forgotten he ever existed."
"My husband and I still share our grief but he keeps a lot of his emotions in and is terribly upset when we talk about Leah. A Compassionate Friends group which meets locally has helped me greatly to look back and write down everything I remembered from the day she was born to her funeral. When that was accomplished I felt tremendous satisfaction."
"After Amy died we attended several bereavement sessions with two other couples who had lost infants through SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and spoke at a bereavement seminar. This and books helped us considerably."
"I have found out that because Louisa lived for only a few hours, not days or weeks, I felt very much as though it wasn't a real event. People didn't consider that she had been a person, and consequently I was made to feel that it wasn't like a normal bereavement."
"Time with Hannah was so precious. We filled it with love and laughter so now we have many special memories of our dear little daughter."
"When Susan died, my overwhelming feelings were those of relief that her life hadn't been prolonged. I thought that because she was severely handicapped that this would make grieving easier. However, I found myself desperately wanting her back, not as she was with T. 18, but as a strong, healthy little girl."
"I think that after a few months we began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are obviously still tears, but it is only now we begin to realise how few people can actually identify with what we are still going through. "
"A patient at work asked me if I had any children. I told her all about my son being stillborn with Trisomy 13. Afterwards I couldn't stop shaking. I miss being pregnant and I miss my baby boy."
"I thought that I was coping up until a few weeks ago when I began to look through Cheryl's photos, and from then I haven't been able to sleep. I think it is because it is getting closer to the time when she was born and sadly died."
"I feel a bit sad that we have never been offered any formal genetic counselling and we never had any follow-up after Anna died, either from the paediatric or obstetric field."
"At 2. 00am the next day the ventilator was switched off. We were taken to a private room and Laura was brought to us. She died in my arms at 3.13am. I sat and held her and cried and cried. I have photos of Laura and a lock of her hair; also her hand and foot print. Even now I look at them and cry. "
"I read a poem at the funeral which meant a great deal. We wanted to produce the service sheet as a lasting reminder of the day and it has proved useful to send to people rather than trying to recount the events on the telephone .... never easy."