Brothers and Sisters
Brothers and sisters are excited by the birth of a new baby and cannot understand what has gone wrong when they realise the infant is unwell. Children are unprepared for the distress of their parents, and confused because there is nothing they can do to help. The shock and unhappiness if the baby dies forces children to confront their own fears about death.
How Young Children Think
Very young children are receptive to the grief of their parents and can become clingy and refuse to leave their mother. Changes in daily routine such as meal and bed times should be avoided as this will upset the child more, and parents should be prepared for tearfulness, bedwetting and tantrums.
Even small children can feel guilt and imagine they contributed to the death by bumping against mum or even wishing the baby would go away when they experienced pangs of insecurity. They must be reassured that the baby was different and weak, and the death was nobody's fault.
"Mum was going to have a baby. The whole family was excited, especially me. All my friends had baby brothers and sisters and I couldn't wait to hold and play with our baby. My little sister arrived and we named her Beth. But Mummy kept crying and Daddy was sad because Beth was very sick".
"My small son wet his bed and became miserable at home so I arranged visits to a Counsellor which helped us a great deal. He is much happier now."
"Our 3 year old expressed strong feelings about the death of his baby sister. He was angry and sad and resented her because she wasn't there for him any more".
"Rhiannon is 3 years old and misses Jessica too and often asks if we can have another baby that is well and will be able to stay."
Telling A Young Child
Explain what has happened in words the child will understand. Use simple phrases, "The baby was very poorly, not like you", or "Our baby was only given to us for a little while". Answer questions honestly, and say if you don't know the answers. Children will ask what they need to know.
Death can be related to things they understand such as animals and flowers. Words like 'loss', 'taken from us' and 'gone to sleep' should be avoided, and telling a child that the angels or Jesus took the baby may cause worry that they too will be taken. Visits to a grave can confuse young children.
There are picture books for very young children to help them understand death, and they can be encouraged to express their feelings by drawing pictures.
"Well happier times have come with the birth of Gemma. She is very, very special to us. We shall of course never forget Lee and when Gemma is older she shall learn all about him."
"We told our children that their baby sister had gone to Heaven, and her body was like any empty chrysalis after a beautiful butterfly had flown away."
"After our baby died, our son thought "You have a baby, the baby lives for a short time and the baby dies". We explained that only the very sick babies that can't get better are the ones who die. The healthy ones don't die."
Older Children
Older children will worry about the reality of death, their own and their parents. They tend to hide their feelings out of concern for the parents, and wonder if there was anyway they contributed to the death. Many become protective of the parents and try to take over family tasks and responsibilities, or they can be sullen and refuse to talk about what has happened. Some children develop vague headaches and stomach pains.
Children may be happier to talk to someone outside the immediate family, such as a close relative or teacher. The local book shop or library will have books about death for various ages, and children can express heir feelings by writing about the brother or sister that has died or keeping a daily diary. New interests such as music or swimming are a positive step.
"They told me Beth was very ill and one day I came home from school and found out she had died. That night I prayed that when I woke up Beth would be in her crib, but I knew it would never come true. I wish I had spent more time with Beth, and I tried to help Mummy as much as I could".
Children At School
Children worry about being teased or crying in front of classmates. They may have 'off' days when concentration is difficult, or get into arguments and fights. Teachers need to know what has happened, and parents should tell the teacher the information they would like the class to know. Arrange a place of refuge in the school and someone the child can go to and confide in, for example, a supportive school nurse.
"After my baby sister died it was horrible going to school and I wanted to stay at home. One teacher was very nice and I used to go to her whenever I was upset and she would give me a drink and some biscuits".
Viewing the Body
Undertakers and hospitals have a Chapel of Rest, and arrangements can be made to view the body of the dead baby or child. Parents are anxious about the effect this might have on brothers and sisters, but children have vivid imaginations and it is kinder for them to see and perhaps hold the dead body. It may be difficult for the adults to accept this, but for the children, death is a natural part of life, and they may have had experience of it with wild animals, pets and older relatives. Siblings treasure a personal keepsake or photograph.
Warn children that this will be a sad occasion and discuss the funeral service. Explain this is the way we say goodbye when someone dies, and involve the children in planning of the funeral, perhaps to place some special flowers on the coffin or choose a favourite hymn for the service.
"As we had prepared our girls for Dara's death our older child was reluctant to attend the ceremony or funeral and particularly the cemetery. But the pediatrician insisted they go through the entire experience from holding Dara after her death to the funeral, as children need a beginning, middle and end. They have no unhappy memories and have a definite relationship with Dara to this day. We found the attitude very helpful."
"At the funeral I didn't cry. I think I had run out of tears. Everybody was very sad and we put a bunch of wild flowers on her coffin."
Sharing Grief
Parents preoccupied with their own grief may not be aware of the true unhappiness of their other children. Families share happiness, and they should share sadness and understand that grieving can be a lengthy process. Look at family photographs together. You should not be afraid to let your children see you cry, and explain the bereavement has made you sad or even angry, and this anger is not directed at them, and that it is tiredness.
Give extra cuddles to the quiet child who is suppressing their emotions in order to protect the parent from further distress. Older children tend to hide their feelings anyway and wonder if their behaviour contributed to the death. There are books written about death aimed at all age groups, and it can help to read them together and discuss the way the issues are dealt with. A video, 'When a Child Grieves' can be obtained from the Child Bereavement Trust.
- Express your love with kisses and cuddles.
- Make quality time to talk and listen.
- Answer questions honestly.