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At the beginning of my pregnancy I was so excited and everything seemed to be perfect. As a first-time mummy I was worried but so excited. I loved going to my first scan and seeing my baby on the screen for the first time, I knew then I was in love. I went for my bloods to be taken as a routine check after my 12 week scan, still everything seemed fine. A few weeks later I got a call from my hospital to tell me I was high risk of baby having Edwards' Syndrome. I felt like my heart stopped and I couldn’t process what she was saying. I was so heartbroken to think my baby wasn’t ok.

The hospital arranged for me to have the private bloods which I had paid for to know if baby did have Edwards'. I was so upset, I had fallen in love with my baby Gracie-Mae and I just wanted her to be ok. The next week they came back as 95% risk she did have it. Still I had hope for her but yet I was heartbroken. I had worried so much and educated myself on Trisomy 18 to the point I was distraught. As time passed my belly was growing, it was the best feeling in the world feeling little flutters from my baby moving around. I knew she was comfy in there.

As we waited for 16 weeks to arrive I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with my baby. So I had two private scans which I loved so much. I got to listen to her heartbeat and find out what I was having. I was overjoyed to have a little girl, her sweet little face on the scans. I have never felt love like it.

The scans showed she had fixed flexion of the wrists and banana shaped cerebellum. I still had hope and still knew that there was a chance for me to have my baby. By this point I had lots of phone calls from the hospital, they were really supportive and helpful in terms of guiding me into what happens next. I decided I wasn’t thinking about anything other than to the 20 weeks scan to see how Gracie-Mae was affected on the inside. I bought her teddys and clothes because I still had hope for my baby girl despite being so upset at the thought I would never to do anything of what I dreamed of with her. She was and still is the love of my life.

I was 19weeks and 5 days when it was time for the anomaly scan, here were the findings: lemon shaped head with bilateral choroid plexus cyst. Cleft lip and palate on the left. Heart avsd large overriding aorta. Bilateral rocker bottom foot.

I can remember the doctor looking at me full of respect but telling me she is too poorly and would suffer. It all happened very quick this week as I gave birth to her on the following Friday. I had a chat with the bereavement midwife the day after and I had the first part of the MTOP. I was heartbroken but i couldn’t see my girl suffer. I decided to take all the pain so she didn’t feel anything ever other than love.

The following Wednesday I was back into hospital with contractions starting slowly. We were in the Forget Me Not room which was private and lovely for us to spend time with Gracie-Mae. I took all of her things with me, she had lots of belongings. I gave birth to her on the 12.02.21. I was so lucky to have such a special girl. Despite her only been 20 weeks and 1 day gestation she lived for 4 hours. Her heartbeat was so strong I will always be so grateful for the time I got with her. I read to her, sang to her, kissed her so many times and held her for ages. I felt complete with my girl.

I spent 2 days with her making memories which I look at everyday. She is truly loved and will forever be my angel. I’ll never ever forget her tiny hands and long fingers, her feet perfectly placed together which reminded me of a loveheart shape. The feeling of kissing her perfect little face. Gracie-Mae is truly a beautiful angel.

Created: 18/06/2021 11:14

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