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Our Angel

The 2nd November 2016 is the day my world changed and I lost a piece of my heart.

My partner and I had been trying for a baby for 8 months when we found out in August that we were expecting. We were both so happy and couldn't wait to share the news with our son who is 8 years old. He had always wanted a brother or sister. We had two early scans and once we had seen the baby and the heart beat at 10 weeks we decided to tell our son. I was also very sick daily so it would explain to him why and that I wasn't "poorly" as he thought.
He was over the moon and couldn't wait to be a big brother. The family was also happy with our news. On the 04 October, myself and my partner went to our 12 week scan.

We saw our baby kicking away happily and fidgeting about, the sonographer said that he/she wouldn't keep still to get a good photo for us. He then told us that he wasn't happy with the stomach as it was on the outside of the baby and by this time (12w 5days) it should be in. He said he would like to see us back at 15 weeks to re-scan and check it had gone back in how it should. We spoke with a lady afterwards who told us that if this isn't the case and it stays on the outside that it would mean a c-section for me probably earlier than my due date and surgery for the baby.

We left the hospital that day concerned about this but with the thought of “it's operable and sounds like all may be okay.” We just had to wait two weeks to go back to be re-scanned at 15 weeks. The next two weeks seemed so long and I couldn't help but have a worry in my mind that something else was going to be found.

On 19 October, the day had finally came to go back for the next scan. We went in to that room full of nerves and worry. There were 4 people in there with the sonographer that instantly made me have doubt as you know that is not normal. The main lady scanning took a good 45 mins going over every part of the baby with photos of each part she even done a 3d scan at the same time. I knew things weren’t right at this point.

Afterwards they took me and my partner in to this quite low lighting room, I have seen these rooms on telly and knew it wasn't a good room. Here is where we were told they had found many problems. It wasn't just one or two things it was a list of 7 problems and they were all major issues: heart, kidney, liver, placenta, bone, cysts and pelvis. All signs were showing trisomy 18, Edwards’ syndrome.

We were given all our options and information about more tests that could be carried out, one of which was an amniocentesis. I decided I wanted to go ahead with this option even though all the specialists were already 99% sure as the baby ticked all boxes for Edwards’. They told us our baby's odds and survival rates which weren’t good. All the problems our baby had were severe and even the specialist was advising to end the pregnancy.

We left the maternity hospital that day in one big blur. Nothing made sense. What had I done? Why us? Why me? They were the questions I kept asking myself.

I was signed of work for a month. My head was a mess. Later that day we made the decision to not go ahead with the amniocentesis we had planned. I called the hospital and told them I didn't want the test we have made the choice to let the baby go. I personally think as my head was not stable I made all the next decisions very quick. Too quick. (All my regrets now as I so wish I had met our baby and found out the sex and put a name with them. Massive regrets)

I told them I didn't want to see our baby. I didn't want to feel anything I just wanted it all to be over. So, a medical end of pregnancy was planned.
Two days before the planned date I had felt the first butterfly movements in my stomach. That broke my heart and I thought it was broken enough, I blanked the feelings out and prepared for the up-coming date.

On the 02 November, my partner and I went in for the end of pregnancy. I did not want to be there but my partner reassured me we were doing what was best for the baby and us. It was the worst day of my life and one I won't forget and heart pain I never want to think I will feel again.

The pain I felt from tablets before going to theatre was horrid the start of contractions and knowing I wasn't having our baby at the end was torture for me. But that's the day it all ended. Our baby had gone to heaven and was no longer with us I was no longer carrying and protecting our baby. It has changed me as a person and I don't think I will ever be the same again. A piece of my heart lives in heaven now.

Our Angel. I was due on the 16 April and we shall be celebrating that day. Our Angel will always be remembered and always be loved.

Without the love and help from my partner I don't think I could have got through it and our son who has dealt with it all amazingly. Family and friends have also played a massive part in getting us through.

Our Angel always loved and never ever will they be forgotten. Xxx”

Faye xx

Created: 22/01/2019 16:38

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